And so, in the end, all it took to wipe away 20 years of miserable tours Down Under was seven weeks of high-octane, highly disciplined cricket from the most ruthless England side in living memory. It was a pleasure to be there and it is a privilege to hand out the following Ashes gongs, all of which are currently in the post…
All three of the players damned in advance by Australia – Alastair Cook, Ian Bell and Jimmy Anderson – performed as if their parts in the 5-0 drubbing four years earlier had been taken by lookalikes. But it was Bell who wrought the most complete transformation, moving from Sherminator to Braveheart during the course of a series in which he twinkled like the star he has always promised to be. More than anyone, Bell personifies the extra layer of toughness added by Andy Flower since 51 all out and all that.
You had to feel for Michael Clarke. Handed a flush that was not so much busted as non-existent, he was duly obliged to face the press and explain away the ills of Australian cricket, sport, society and culture. He did his bit gamely (although, if there's any justice, 2010-11 will go down as Ricky Ponting's third Ashes defeat). But he was not helped by a staggering show of complacency from Andrew Hilditch, the Australian chairman of selectors. Hilditch was, he said, very happy with his work – which may leave Aussie fans wondering what would have happened if he'd not been on top of his game.
Australia won at Perth because of a wind-assisted spell of bowling from Mitchell Johnson (and if you don't believe that, ask yourself why he didn't swing the ball one iota in the three Tests he played at the enclosed stadiums of Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney). When they got on top of England, they started sledging, with Ponting losing his dignity completely by screaming at Matt Prior after he was dismissed. Yet we were told the victory was connected to the aggression. As analysis went, it wasn't merely childish – it was utterly desperate.
The Barmy Army were a phenomenon in their own right, especially when their chants were rebounding around the Gabba, the MCG and the SCG. Some of it was spine-tingling. But their baiting of Johnson went too far as the players stood around for the Sydney presentation ceremony. It was like Ponting and Prior in Perth.
The game was over, guys. No need to kick a man when he's down, however pleased you were to find a rude word that rhymed with 'right'.
At Brisbane, Jimmy Anderson dropped a skyer over his shoulder. At Perth, Graeme Swann put down a half-chance at short extra cover. At Sydney, Bell spilled a tougher one in the same position. Prior may have grassed a couple of reflex grabs. But apart from that, it's hard to recall a serious blemish in the field all series. This may well have been the most complete fielding performance by an England side in the history of the game. And for that, the fielding coach Richard Halsall deserves a massive baseball mitt on the back.
I know, I know – journalists are always going to grumble when they're fed crumbs rather than three-course feasts. But there was something Jardine-like in Andrew Strauss's refusal to comment on the Australians at any stage of the series, save for a brief jibe at Phil Hughes.
The plan made complete sense: starve the local press of headlines and you'll avoid the age-old ready-made pep talk for the opposition's dressing-room noticeboard.
But this impressively tedious tactic only worked because England were winning. When they tried it four years ago, they just looked stupid.
