What, were you expecting a very special episode of “Jersey Shore” in which Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi learns An Important Lesson about the perils of ardent spirits and the dangers of mounting a bicycle in miniskirt and fuzzy slippers? Snooki is sprung from jail and oh-so-briefly contemplates temperance, but within days has decided that if a glass of pinot is okay for pregnant women, it's okay for her. Meanwhile, Jenni "JWoww" Farley finally breaks up with longtime boyfriend Tom Lippolis, but it isn't until "Jersey Shore After Dark" that she reveals why: She claims he's a possessive, abusive control freak who, just before she left to film this season of "Jersey Shore" threw her down the stairs because he found clothes in her luggage that weren't "acceptable." Did he find a boat-neck T-shirt? A dress made of an opaque material? Because unacceptable is pretty much JWoww's dress code. Returning to Snooki: JWoww and Deena Cortese return to the house, where JWoww calls Snooki's dad and tells him she got arrested for public intoxication. He takes it in stride. After all, it's not like Snooki, oh, I don't know, sold alcohol at a party at her house, and one of the guests got so wasted he crashed his car, and died on the way home. After work, they decide to go back to the amusement pier, but not before we are subjected to tonight's regularly scheduled scatological interlude. At first I wasn't sure if I heard right, but it sounded like Snooki said she was going to double-panty her ass. Then she said, "I have to poop." And then she elaborates for us: Everytime she goes to a party or has a date with a hot guy, she has to poop in her pants. One might thing she's speaking metaphorically, but then she announces, "I just had a baby in the toilet." Oh, the depravity. The next day, Tom calls. After a little hemming and hawing, she tells him she wants to take a breather. ("Roger that!" one of the guys says.) She also admits she's been spending time with Roger. "If this is going to be the last conversation I have with you, let me know," Tom tells her. She tell him that she's finally able to enjoy herself, "unlike what I was able to do with you." She tells him he's treated her like crap, and he responds in kind, and she hangs up. "Done," she pronounces. And we actually believe her. JWoww soon realizes that Tom will not be taking care of her dogs and worries that he'll steal or trash her belongings, so she and Snooki head to Long Island to check up on her pets and the house. It's a cute little house, and behold -- a bookcase with actual books in it! She finds that Tom has apparently taken a watch that she got for graduation, her hard drive and her business records. She breaks down into tears, and Snooki comforts her.
This episode was refreshingly low on Sammi-Ronnie drama, but apparently we're going to get our fill of it next week.
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